


Stay With Me

by CaptainErica



Category: Big Bang (Band), K-pop
Genre: M/M, Slow Burn, Songfic, but not too slow, sorta - Freeform, taeyang is a bit too easy to trick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-11
Updated: 2016-08-13
Packaged: 2018-08-08 04:56:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7744192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainErica/pseuds/CaptainErica
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jiyong is a prolific song writer, but just what exactly is his inspiration?</p>
<p>Youngbae finds out...slowly, haltingly, and with only a hint of misdirection.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Always

_ That first time we laid eyes _

_ Lookin' over and over again _

_ (Talkin' no matter how late and laughin' away and away) _

_ Was so on a natural high, felt like you always been my best friend _

_ (So happy everyday and - nothin' can tear us away) _

_ You always had a glow, on your face so, you had to be mine yeah yeah yeah _

_ Everyplace we go, holding hands yo, I knew you were mine _

_ That's why you gotta know girl _

 

Out of all the songs that Jiyong had written in recent memory, Youngbae hadn’t felt as strangely connected to a song as he did to  _ Always _ . It felt old and new all at once, and Youngbae was fairly certain that he hadn’t ever seen the lyrics before they were given them to practice before recording. He’s read a lot of Jiyong’s songs, so he’s surprised when he first reads this one, as he’d absolutely never read it before...even though at the same time there was something niggling at him in the back of his mind about it.

 

It felt familiar. The feeling of the song, the words, everything felt very familiar and  _ relatable _ . But it couldn’t be relatable: Youngbae’d never had a girlfriend, or even really liked anyone in the way that the song described.

 

He calls Jiyong out on it on a Tuesday. They’ve already recorded the song and they’ve even already finished filming the music video. They’re tired and lazy and it’s just he and Jiyong in the studio right then.

 

“You know  _ Always _ ?” He asks, and Jiyong gives him a bored look, the kind of look that screams ‘ _ are you kidding me why are you being so dumb? _ ’. He powers through anyway because Jiyong doesn’t really mean it. “I’d never read it before Teddy gave it to us to practice, which is weird on its own.” He pauses here as he realizes how strange that  _ really _ is. Jiyong is picking at the cuffs of his sweatshirt and doesn’t comment. “But it still feels so..familiar? I feel like I can relate, you know?” Jiyong raises an eyebrow and snorts in amusement.

 

“Can you?” He asks, and Youngbae lets out an indignant noise and flicks his friend in the cheek. 

 

“Yah. Don’t be rude. You know what I mean.” He says with a pout. Jiyong laughs, and it’s forced and just a little too loud for the moment. He almost manages to hide how uncomfortable he is before Youngbae can see it.

 

“It’s based off us.” He says before Youngbae can call him out on hiding his emotions. “It’s like our friendship, you know?” He rushes to add, and Youngbae nods.

 

“Yeah...yeah that makes it make a lot more sense.” He says, and Jiyong nods definitively before going on the offensive. He’s suddenly all big motions, exaggerated faces, and ruffling Youngbae’s hair.

 

“I can’t believe you couldn’t recognize our friendship, Bae-yah. I’m offended.” 

 

Youngbae blushes, suddenly self-conscious. “It’s a song about a girl, why would I make the connection.” He mutters, and Jiyong laughs.

 

“It’s called  _ art _ , Youngbae.” Jiyong says, but he’s just a little too forceful in his dismissal, and Youngbae feels like he’s missing something important.

 

_ Always you should know you're my honey _

_ Always you are on my mind _

_ Always you can call on me any ‘o day or night oh yeah _

_ No way I'd be shady or frontin' _

_ No way that ain't even my style _

_ What I'm sayin' is always and forever be you and I _


	2. Emotion

_ I wanna touch I wanna kiss I wish with you _

_ Oh Oh Oh What to captivate you Just you Just now _

_ Come baby Come baby Come _

_ Oh Oh Oh If it is not now Rite here Rite now _

_ It’s already in motion _

_ We have already fallen into love for sure _

_ It’s in motion It’s emotion _

 

Youngbae’s eyes are closed and his fingers are tapping against his knee in time with the beat. He really enjoys this song. Recording it had been fun, reading it had caused a flutter to erupt in his stomach that he couldn’t explain or tame, and listening to it was just as great. He chuckles softly to himself; he’s such a sap.

 

It’s in Japanese and the swell of pride that he feels in Jiyong’s ability because of that fact makes his fingers pause in their tapping. A stupid smile crosses his face and he reaches over to his computer and starts the song again. It’s got a familiar feeling to it, like the sentiment in it is something that he’s experienced before. He hasn’t, though, he thinks only a little bitterly. 

 

He’s heard Big Seunghyun talk about it, and even Jiyong and Daesung have mentioned something about it in passing to him. But he’s never really felt that way...he’s never looked at someone and thought about kissing them or being in love with them.

 

_ That’s a lie _ . 

 

It’s a small lie, to be quite sure. He’s felt love before, and he knows that Jiyong hasn’t really been in love with anyone. He wonders, suddenly, if this is another one of Jiyong’s artistic representations of something he’s already felt. He thinks hard back at when he’d first seen the lyrics. Jiyong had asked him to check his grammar. He’d been cagey and distant when Youngbae had given him his feedback; and when they’d all teased him about the object of his apparent desire later on when the song was presented to them, he had blushed horribly before getting defensive and saying it was nothing.

 

The door to the room opens and Jiyong bustles in. He drops his bag on the floor and rips the long-sleeve shirt his wearing over his head, revealing his wiry frame and the tank he’s wearing underneath. It quickly covered by the closest sweatshirt to hand (Youngbae’s, unsurprisingly). 

 

“Oh, hey.” Jiyong says, pausing on his way to the chair Youngbae is sitting in when he actually looks up.

 

“Don’t sound too pleased to see me.” He retorts, and Jiyong’s muscles visibly relax. He puts a smile on his face and saunters the rest of the way forward.

 

“I thought you were in the gym.” He says, shoving Youngbae lightly as he pushes past toward the bed. “I was hoping to lie down and get to bed early.”

 

Youngbae scoffs. “For once.” He says, and Jiyong rolls his eyes. “I actually had a question for you.” He adds, figuring  _ why not? _

 

“Oh?” Jiyong asks, his eyes trailing over Youngbae before moving over to the computer on the desk. It’s a little too far away for Jiyong to really read clearly, but Youngbae was clearly listening to music. “What about?”

 

“Emotion.” Youngbae responds, and Jiyong’s face freezes briefly before he loosens up and rolls his eyes.

 

“Feelings.” He says as though speaking to a five year old. “Those things that happen, you know, like happiness and sadness…” He trails off at the unimpressed look that Youngbae throws him.

 

“I meant the song, and you know that.” Youngbae says with a frown, and Jiyong offer him a small smile. 

 

“Sorry, what’s your question?” He asks, sitting down on the edge of the bed, his arms behind him holding him up. He doesn’t look very sorry; chastised, yes, but sorry? No.

 

“You never answered us when we asked...but what was the feeling? Where did this song come from?” Jiyong stares at him for a couple of seconds, his eyes hooded and his expression carefully unreadable. It’s a look that he’s been perfecting for years. 

 

“Here and there.” He says loftily, and Youngbae considers shoving his friend. He leans forward in his chair so that they’re closer together, but refrains from pushing him.

 

“No, I couldn’t have guessed that.” He says, and Jiyong makes a face and shrugs. Jiyong is clearly in a mood and he doesn’t really want to cause him any more stress...but he also knows that this answer is bullshit and he’s willing to take another stab at it to find out if he’s right. “It felt like something familiar again, kind of like with  _ Always _ but not really.”

 

Jiyong’s right arm suddenly gives way and he almost falls backward but he rights himself before it happens. “What?” He asks, his voice shaky.

 

Youngbae looks at him, worry apparent on his face, but he decides to ignore it and keep on. “You’ve told me about all your, um, crushes, you know? But this song sounds different from those...it doesn’t have the same feeling. It’s more like...it’s more like  _ Always _ .” He finishes with a shrug. Jiyong looks really uncomfortable for a second, but then his face clears and he seems to have an epiphany.

 

“Yeah, Bae. Look at you, getting  _ art _ now.” The smile that crosses his face is just a watt too bright to be as wholly genuine as Jiyong would like Youngbae to think he’s being.

 

But he accepts it. He accepts it because it’s what he wants to hear and honestly it makes  _ sense _ ...right?

  
  


_ Ya that’s the way you make me say girl it’s you that I want _

_ Everyday we no delay gotta have you in my arms _

_ I just can't hold back and see what you be doing be killing me _

_ Bringing inside and need you like the air I breathe _


	3. Breathe

_ I can’t breathe _

_ I can’t breathe _

_ I can’t breathe _

_ I can’t breathe no more _

_ I can’t sleep no more _

_ In this crazy world, the cold heart of the city, I’m alone _

 

Youngbae had never felt more proud of anything or anyone in his short life than he did of his best friend, Jiyong. His solo was considered an unqualified success, and the songs were all truly amazing. Everything about the CD was perfect to Youngbae, and he’d wasted no time in telling Jiyong.

 

Jiyong, who’d been bashful and humble and proud and confident all wrapped up and held together with a hefty dose of anxiety. Jiyong, who Youngbae hadn’t spent nearly enough time with since preparations for this album had gotten underway. Jiyong, the same Jiyong who’d pushed for Youngbae to have his own solo and who’d cheered him on so relentlessly. They had their own apartments now. They saw each other more on TV and in passing than actually in person; if he was being honest...well..it hurt.

 

_ Hey gorgeous sweet amazing baby _

_ I know you want it baby _

_ You and me hardcore right now _

_ Til you say no more _

_ I can’t breathe I can’t breathe _

 

Jiyong seemed to be taking it worse that Youngbae, however. He couldn’t find the right way to put it, but it was like Jiyong was pining and you could hear it in his music. The awards have all been won, and they’re all on a well-deserved break. Not together, of course, just a break in their schedules which sees them all off on their own errands and enjoying time alone and without anything  _ pressing _ to do. Youngbae stares down at his phone for a moment, before he lets out a deep sigh and rubs his hand over his eyes. 

 

He’s listened to Jiyong’s album three times in the last two hours. In particular, he’s been favoring  _ Breathe _ . It’s sad, beautiful, and upbeat in a way that only Jiyong can do. He’s alone in his apartment and it’s suddenly very apparent how alone he feels in this space. He rubs a hand over his face again and takes a swig of the drink he’d poured himself. 

 

He remembers the concert stage for this song, suddenly,  and feels his heart constrict. Overtly sexual but with far less real feeling than he’d come to expect from Jiyong.  Far less real acting than Jiyong could normally be counted on to provide; the performance fell just a little flat as he replayed it in his mind.

 

Not that anyone else had noticed.

 

He’s standing in front of Jiyong’s apartment door suddenly and without much thought. He’ll admit to being just a little drunk if forced, but he’s not sure he’ll meet anyone who will try and force that admission out of him. He rings the bell and then after a second decides to knock as well. His knock is a little sloppy: too hard and not consistent enough to really be a rhythm.

 

“I know this can’t be my best friend, Youngbae.” A voice says over the intercom beside the door. A bright smile crosses Youngbae’s face. “Because that was  _ horribly _ off-rhythm. I shouldn’t let you in just for that.” The voice teases and Youngbae pouts. 

 

“Lemme in, Ji!” The door buzzes open and Youngbae happily pulls at it, entering the apartment and slipping messily out of his shoes.

 

“Are you drunk?” Jiyong asks incredulously as he shuffles into view.

 

Youngbae sends him a beatific smile. “A little tipsy, to be sure.” He says, and Jiyong rolls his eyes.

 

“You didn’t drive here, did you?” He asks, and Youngbae shakes his head. 

 

He rocks forward on his heels slightly and Jiyong reaches out to steady him. “Right,  _ tipsy _ .” He scoffs, dragging Youngbae to the couch. 

 

“I’ve missed you, you know.” Youngbae says a few minutes later, and Jiyong’s breath catches in his throat and Youngbae doesn’t miss it.

 

“It’s been awhile since we’ve really seen each other, yeah?” Jiyong says softly, running his fingers through Youngbae’s short hair. 

 

“It’s weird sleeping without you there with me.” He says equally as softly. His eyes are closed so he misses the stifled look of pain and longing that crosses over Jiyong’s face. “I’m so proud of you, though. Have I told you that?”

 

Jiyong chuckles softly. “Yeah, yeah you’ve told me.” He says before pausing. “I miss having you next to me, too.” He says.

 

“I should tell you more often. You deserve it. You really do.”

 

Jiyong’s hand pauses in his hair before he lets out another chuckle. “I’ll hold you to that, then.” He whispers.

 

They fall asleep tangled together on the couch and Youngbae wakes up in the middle of the night, sober enough now to carry the sleeping Jiyong into his bedroom before going to the bathroom. He stops to look at himself in the mirror as he thinks over the conversation from earlier. It hits him rather suddenly that  _ Breathe _ was most definitely written for him...or more... _ about _ him. He smiles softly at his reflection. There’s no need to force Jiyong to admit this one formally. He’d already basically done so. 

 

_ Even when the morning’s bright, I don’t want to get up _

_ I can’t breathe _

_ The magnificent morning came through the curtains _

_ Your outstretched hand that calls me _

_ Secretly come to my bed _

_ Quietly, so no one knows _

_ I can’t breathe I can’t breathe _


	4. After You Fall Asleep

_ Tonight, just this once, please don’t wake up _

_ Sweet dreams on this starry night, baby _

_ Lay down the phone, _

_ Thoughts of me, unfinished conversations… _

_ Save them all for tomorrow _

 

Youngbae had been so reluctant to sing the song, that at first, Jiyong almost felt offended. Almost, that is, until he’d really thought about it. Youngbae was sappy and romantic, and while Jiyong could definitely say he was often the same….he was far more used to heartbreak than Youngbae. So he didn’t allow himself to be offended when Youngbae balked at the vague idea of the song.

 

It sounded like  _ cheating _ , Youngbae had said, and Jiyong had rolled his eyes at him with a slight scoff added on for good measure.  Cheating was a four-letter-word for Youngbae. What Youngbae didn’t take into account in his initial review of the song was what it could  _ really _ be about. Less  _ cheating _ and more...drowning oneself in someone else to ignore the pain of unrequited love.

~

 

It wasn’t until a year after the song had been recorded and the concert done that Youngbae really stopped to consider the song again. Well, that wasn’t entirely true. He’d spent a good deal of time brooding over whether he thought it acceptable for his second solo release, ultimately deciding that the beat of the song and the general message really did fit the album; just like Jiyong knew it would. 

 

But this time...this time when he thought about the song he had the hand-written lyrics before him. The hastily written script as Jiyong transcribed it from his notebook onto the back of a used piece of colored paper. The additions when he thought that something that he’d written no longer worked. The hearts instead of letters that Youngbae’d doodled on the side of the page when he’d been listening to the playback.

 

It is sad, in a strangely upbeat way; something that Jiyong is singularly gifted at pulling off. If you weren’t paying attention you wouldn’t notice the layers. But Youngbae is paying attention  _ now _ and he realizes rather suddenly that the picture painted by the words held an echo of some of Jiyong’s previous works. Specifically  _ Breathe _ , though if he thought harder he’d probably be able to find others that it held similarities to.

 

_ Breathe _ , he thinks, a song about how lonely Jiyong was without them all being together...without  _ he and Jiyong _ being together. He thinks back and remembers a conversation he’d had with Jiyong during prep for the album. They’d been talking about how little time they had to spend with everyone, and Youngbae had mentioned that he’d not been home for any significant length of time in  _ months _ , let alone seen anyone. Jiyong had made a noise of disapproval, but had admitted to having been lonely himself.

 

He thinks back to sometime during his promotions, when Jiyong had told him stories over the phone one night of all the friends he’d been spending time with, and all of the people he’d been seeing while Youngbae’d been cooped up in the studio. He’d been irrationally jealous at the time, angry that Jiyong had had the time to make all of those memories, and that they’d all been made without him. He’d had to make excuses to get off the phone so that he could calm down. He’d gotten over it, of course, he wasn’t a  _ child _ .

 

He huffs in annoyance at himself and his memories. Jiyong is a social person by nature, and when Youngbae is busy he can’t be expected to put his own needs on hold. He had, though, on occasion done just that. Youngbae shakes his head and focuses back on the lyrics in his hands. They’re proof, he thinks as a smile spreads across his face, that Jiyong misses him just as much as he misses Jiyong when their schedules force them apart. 

 

Guilt mingled with happiness: Something only Jiyong could really pull off with any type of success.

 

_ After you fall asleep _

_ secretly, I’ll share a different love _

_ After you fall asleep _

_ Tonight, I’ll forget about you with a drink _


	5. Black

_The color of my heart is black_

_It was burnt to black, just like that_

_I break glass whenever I feel like_

_And I look at my bloody hands and think, why am I like this?_

 

“It’s a little…” Youngbae pauses as he looks at the lyrics in front of him. Jiyong looks back at him, his face carefully blank. “Depressing.” He says finally, looking up at Jiyong.

 

Jiyong’s mouth twists into a kind of amused grimace, a facial expression that Youngbae is pretty certain must hurt. “Well, that’s the point, isn’t it?” Jiyong asks, and Youngbae raises an eyebrow. “I mean, heartbreak and all that. It’s supposed to be _depressing_.” He waves his hand around in front of his face, and Youngbae isn’t sure if the gesture is meant to make him understand that there is something more to what he’s saying, or if he’s trying to make him ignore everything he’s said.

 

“I mean, it’s beautiful, as always...it’s just…” Youngbae trails off, looking back down at the lyrics in his hands. He doesn’t have to give Jiyong his consent for any of the songs (honestly, Jiyong would probably go against his wishes anyway), but he knows that Jiyong ultimately still wants his approval. “It feels really strong...really real.” He pauses, and he can feel Jiyong tense across from him.

 

They’re sitting in two chairs facing each other, their knees pressed together as Youngbae leans forward with the lyrics clutched in his hands. Jiyong’s shift in demeanor is immediately apparent. He goes from fidgeting to tense and still in less than a few seconds. Youngbae looks up at him sharply, worry pressing into his features as he tries to gauge whether Jiyong will just _tell_ him what’s wrong, or if he’ll need to force it out of him.

 

After a couple of beats of silence, Youngbae sighs. “Tell me what happened?” He asks, and Jiyong blinks once, twice, and then he looks away.

 

“You wouldn’t understand.” He says loftily. Youngbae wants to roll his eyes; it’s easy to brush him off if he refuses to look at him.

 

“Try me.” He says, and Jiyong looks at him from the corner of his eye.

 

It’s tensely silent for a moment, and then Jiyong sighs and slumps in his chair. “You already know.” He says. “Or...we’ve already talked about it.” He waves his hand and this time Youngbae knows that the motion means he's trying to get Youngbae not to pay too much attention to what he’s saying.

 

_Your smile is shining gold_

_But the way you speak, feel so cold_

_As time goes by, you’re becoming more like me_

_Sometimes I feel like karma is running after me, know_

 

Youngbae looks back down at the lyrics and reads them over again, trying to find something in his memory that Jiyong had told him that could possibly have anything to do with this song; with the feelings screaming out from between the lines.

 

Who is treating Jiyong in any way less than he deserves? Who have they spoken about that doesn’t appreciate Jiyong as much as they should? Youngbae’s face falls into a frown as he reads over the lyrics and wracks his brain for an answer.

 

“Please, Bae, leave it for now.” Jiyong pleads, and Youngbae looks up at him. It takes him a second but he nods in assent. “Thank you. Just...What do you think..is it good enough?” He looks worried, and Youngbae feels momentarily bad for making him anxious like this.

 

It doesn’t stop him from taking a moment to think over the question and the fact that Jiyong doesn’t want to outright tell him who hurt him like this, however. “Of course it’s good enough, Ji. It’s brilliant, just like the others, just like you.” He’s forceful and incredulous when he finally responds, and he’s momentarily bewildered by the blush that crosses Jiyong’s cheeks. He realizes what he’s said only after Jiyong pulls back to sit up properly, but by then he can’t change it to stop Jiyong from feeling uncomfortable.

 

“Are you just saying that to make me feel better.” He asks, a small grin on his face. The expression looks strange mixed with the blush that is still dusting his cheeks.

 

“No, I’m saying it because it _really is_ that great. You’ve outdone yourself with these songs, and the world is lucky that you’re willing to let them be heard.” Youngbae says, and Jiyong turns away to look at the far wall, his hand up against his mouth as though in thought.

 

“Alright, alright. I’ll put it in.” He says after a couple of seconds, and Youngbae grins broadly.

 

“Can I see the rest?” He asks tentatively, and Jiyong nods after a only a split second of hesitation.

 

Youngbae’s brushing his teeth when his eyebrows fall down into a frown and he has to stop what he’s doing. He rinses out his mouth and his toothbrush hastily and moves as quickly as possible out to the living room where he’d left his phone. He’s breathing a little heavily, he notices with some alarm, but he tries not to think about it as he scrolls through his recent messages to Jiyong. He almost drops his phone, fumbling with it as if it burns him when he finds what he’s looking for.

              KwonJiYong: You need to smile more Bae-yah! Your smile is shining gold ^^

His breath slams out of him, his entire body feeling like the wind has just been knocked out of him. He scrolls further through the messages, his hands shaking as he searches.

             KwonJiYong: Who are you and what have you done with Dong Youngbae? ㅋㅋㅋ

             DongYoungBae: It’s your fault ㅋㅋㅋㅋ

             KwonJiYong: You’re becoming more like me everyday.

 

He sits down heavily, his hands still shaking. It’s about him. The song is about him. _You already know...we’ve already talked about it._ Jiyong’s words ring through his brain, but he’s having trouble really processing them. How had he hurt Jiyong so badly? How was this possible? He’d been aware of Jiyong’s sometimes problematic behavior, his lack of real care for himself, but how had he not noticed this? How had he not noticed how much he was hurting his closest friend?

 

He closes his eyes tightly and forces himself to calm down. He opens them again after a few moments and takes in a deep breath. So, the song is about him. This isn’t _new_ , he reasons, a lot of Jiyong’s songs had used their relationship as a base. He clenches his fists and forces himself to stay calm and not get too worked up.

 

_Hope is the parent of disappointment and despair_

_Why didn’t I know that the shadow that has casted over my face_

_Was created from the light called, you_

_It has been a while since the time between you and I have stopped_

_Misunderstanding is always the cause of pain_

 

The lyrics play themselves over in his mind and he feels more and more wretched every minute. What is Jiyong trying to say? Where is the hole in their friendship that this song is born from? He can’t think about it too hard because it hurts him to think that maybe he’s hurting Jiyong in some way; but he clearly is and he can’t think of a way to make it better because he isn’t quite sure what is wrong.

 

He’ll fix it, though. He’ll fix whatever the problem is because Jiyong is his best friend; his soulmate. He can’t let Jiyong down.

 

_Since I’ve met you agony is the only thing left_

_Every day is a series of hills of hardships and temptation_

_Now I sing of breaking up, I tell you_

_This is my last confession_


	6. Stay With Me

_ You’re especially more beautiful today _

_ How’ve you been? It’s awkward between us right now _

_ I just wondered, everything feels so strange _

_ I pretend to be cool and start talking to you so you won’t be uncomfortable _

_ The atmosphere gets better at our cute jokes _

 

The song is dropped in front of him with a  _ THWACK _ and Youngbae jumps, violently startled. “Yah! You scared me!” He admonishes, and Jiyong laughs as he props himself up against the table Youngbae is sitting in front of.

 

“Well maybe if you weren’t sleeping on the job…” He trails off, flicking Youngbae in the forehead for good measure.

 

Youngbae glowers at him, but picks up the notebook and looks at the title of the song. “ _ Stay With Me?” _ He asks, and Jiyong nods, tapping his fingers against the edge of the table.

 

“Yeah,” He says, and Youngbae’s just about to let his eyes travel over the words when Jiyong continues. “It’s for..together, or you know. You could sing it alone.” He’s fidgeting, and Youngbae rolls his eyes.

 

“Of course I want to do a song with you.” He says, as though it’s stupid for Jiyong to even  _ think _ that he wouldn’t want that. “Let me read it.” He adds, when Jiyong opens his mouth to say something else. 

 

Jiyong’s fidgeting increases as Youngbae starts to read, so he reaches over and grabs Jiyong’s wrist firmly to stop the man from tapping. “That’s distracting.” He mutters, and Jiyong flexes his hand beneath Youngbae’s grip. The movement is just as distracting as the tapping, but he decides not to try and fight that particular battle. At least with his hand around Jiyong’s wrist the tapping is stopped.

 

_ You pretend to be strong on purpose to push me out _

_ But you’re softer than anyone else, my darling darling _

_ You have the same sad face as me _

_ Won’t you stay with me, come to me _

_ Your lips don’t agree but your eyes tell me you want me _

_ Won’t you stay with me, come to me _

 

Youngbae’s face scrunches up in concentration as he reads and rereads the first few stanzas.  The rap, the part that Jiyong would be covering, gives him pause and he struggles to push past the beginning. It’s well written and just a little sad. The message is interesting, though, and Youngbae feels a niggling sensation in the back of his mind:  _ this is familiar _ . He pauses after reading the same section for the 4th time to look up at Jiyong. 

 

“This is really good.” He says, and Jiyong, whose leg is jiggling incessantly because he can’t tap his fingers, returns his look with a confused stare.

 

“What.” He says, but then collects himself. “You haven’t even finished reading it.” He says accusingly.

 

“True, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t good.” He says. Jiyong peers at him incredulously for a moment, but then his leg stops moving and he leans forward.

 

“You’re stalling.” He says, his eyes falling into accusatory slits, and Youngbae feels his face heat up. “You  _ are! _ ” He shouts, leaning back and pointing at him with his free hand. He leans forward again to look closely at Youngbae’s face. “What’s wrong with it?” He asks, and Youngbae blinks in confusion for a few seconds before his mouth falls open.

 

He snaps it shut quickly at the look of triumph on Jiyong’s face and then looks back at the song. “Nothing’s wrong with it.” He says, his voice defensive.  “And stop hovering, I’ll finish reading it if you back up.” He adds grumpily. 

 

Jiyong grins down at him. “I would, but you’ve got my hand.” He says nonchalantly. To emphasize his point he flexes his hand again and Youngbae feels his pulse leap at the sensation. 

 

With a slight glare he lets go of Jiyong’s wrist, and returns his eyes to the lyrics before him.

 

_ We’re walking on the night streets just like we did before _

_ Close enough for anyone to think we’re lovers _

_ Dancing up on each other at a crowded club _

_ Hey did you maybe flirt with me a little bit _

 

It’s very sudden, the realization, when it hits him. He starts from the beginning of the song again, and forces himself to read down further than he had gone before. But his eyes snag on a couple of lines and suddenly his heart rate increases and he feels himself start to sweat. His hand goes limp where it had been holding the notebook up and he pushes his chair back from the table. He can tell his breathing is coming fast but he can’t really focus on it because his mind is racing to catch up to his body ( _ the words aren’t coming why is this happening? _ ).

 

The onslaught of thoughts are painful, but his mind is moving too fast for him to even think about trying to make it stop. It’s the  _ memories _ that catch him up this time. His hand on Jiyong’s back as he urges him toward the dance floor during one of their many after parties. His drunk body swaying to the music as he pulls Jiyong closer ( _ I can’t dance with anyone else _ ), and Jiyong laughing at him just as drunk ( _ you don’t _ want _ to dance with anyone else _ ), his face against the back of Jiyong’s neck ( _ you’re right _ ).

  
He gasps again and squeezes his eyes shut, and Jiyong rushes forward, confusion and worry washing across his previously smug face. He reaches out to grab Youngbae by the shoulders, but Youngbae waves him away. Jiyong stands back, concern battling with a strange emotion that Youngbae is not able to identify in his current state.

 

_ You’re drunk with alcohol, I’m drunk with your eyes, nose, lips, body _

_ Your breath that whispers in my ear paralyzes me _

_ Now baby I will take you home _

_ I’ll hug you tight for one last time _

 

How could he be so  _ stupid _ . “How many?” He asks, his voice ripping out of him before his mind has even fully processed and explained what he’s feeling. Jiyong looks at him in confusion, but before he can ask Youngbae shakes his head.  He’s falling through time now and it’s strange but at the same time he feels like he deserves this shock.

 

His heart is hammering hard in his chest and he’s staring at nothing somewhere between he and Jiyong. His mind races back in time and it lands on the first song he can think of:  _ Heaven. _

 

_ (Let’s go) Thought it would be the last, thought the second would never come _

_ Love that didn’t suit me at all came to me this hot summer _

_ My other half that I’ve waited and waited for, I always had a dream about you _

_ You are my resting place in my heart, _

_ I want to stare and stare again, give and give again _

 

All of Jiyong’s songs. All of Jiyong’s  _ love songs _ . There was always something in them that he couldn’t place. Something that he couldn’t identify. Some weird feeling like they were familiar. Jiyong had stopped hiding them from him after a while, but now Youngbae knows why: it’s because he’s  _ stupid _ .

 

If Youngbae were  _ smarter  _ Jiyong wouldn’t have shown him any of the songs until they had to sing them, because Jiyong is  _ brilliant _ . He wouldn’t see them until they had been sectioned off and the meaning was obscured by the fact that he was only seeing his own part. 

 

“I’m so, so  _ dumb _ .” He moans, leaning forward and putting his head in his hands. Jiyong hovers just out of reach, his eyes worried but flickering back to the notebook on the table as though he knows what the problem is but doesn’t want to admit it.

 

The next song that flashes through his mind is  _ Foolish Love _ , and he almost laughs at how idiotic he must seem for not seeing it. Not seeing how closely the songs reflected  _ them _ .

 

_ i wanted to wipe the tears around (your) wetted eyes _

_ but the image reflected in your eyes _

_ isn’t me, it’s someone else, baby _

_ don’t lie baby, tell me ‘this isn’t it’ _

_ your head looks down and you can’t say anything; why are you making me miserable _

 

He looks up at Jiyong and opens his mouth to speak before closing it again. “All of them?” He asks after a moment, his voice shaky. “Even the ones you told me were just about our...our friendship?”

 

Jiyong’s face pales considerably at the question, and Youngbae can see his hands shaking before he shoves them in the pockets of his too big jeans. “I don’t know what…” He tries to evade the question, his face falling blank like it always did when Youngbae asked him about the inspiration for his songs. He trails off, however, when he sees the look on Youngbae’s face.

 

“Don’t lie to me, Ji.” He says softly. His brain jumps to another song:  _ Without You _ . It’s one of Jiyong’s more recent solo songs. The words had haunted him for  _ months _ .

 

_ Love is painful although love is painful. _

_ Repeating like a fool. That’s what I always do. _

_ But pain is beautiful. It’s same as you. _

_ Hope turns into disappointment. Wish turns into despair. _

_ As love deepened, pain deepened more _

_ Illusion or expectation that this time, it’ll be different, uh. _

 

Jiyong looks torn, like he wants to tell Youngbae the truth, but also like he wants to run away and never think about this conversation again. “When I first started adding them in, because Teddy liked them or YG did...I was afraid you’d notice and...and that you wouldn’t want to be around me anymore. That you wouldn’t understand.” He takes in a deep breath, turning his face away so that Youngbae can only see his profile. “But you didn’t get it, not really. It was easy to redirect you..you had no idea…” He trails off and laughs a little hollowly.

 

Youngbae wants to say that he  _ absolutely did _ notice. That each love song Jiyong wrote always struck him as something more than what he was admitting to. That he listened to them all on repeat and he could remember the lyrics to all of them so clearly that right now it’s as if he’s being shouted at from multiple angles.

 

“I noticed.” He says, but Jiyong shakes his head firmly, his chin sticking out defiantly as he turns to look at Youngbae head on. “No, I didn’t always say something. No, I didn’t  _ really _ know that they were, are, about...There were times when I wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about it and they’d keep me awake and I’d stumble into the studio the next morning trying to pretend that your writing didn’t haunt me.” He shakes his head and Jiyong looks at him warily. “I wanted to fix everything. Every hurt that you talked about in those songs and I didn’t know how but I knew they were my fault. I  _ knew _ I’d hurt you but I couldn’t figure out  _ how _ .”

 

Jiyong lets out a startled sob, but his eyes are dry: he doesn’t cry like this and he won’t cry unless there’s good reason. Youngbae’s mind races again because Jiyong’s been silent for too long and it lands on  _ What is Right? _

 

_ Tell me what is right and what is wrong _

_ I don’t even know why I’m fighting with you _

_ Your face is flushed You’re getting upset _

_ But even when you’re looking like that, I… _

_ I still don’t get it (Right) _

_ I’ll never know the difference _

_ Between man and woman _

 

He almost laughs at this one. It’s dumb, but it’s still about him. They’re  _ all _ about him. All of Jiyong’s love songs, the sad and the happy and the nostalgic and the hurtful...all about him. His eyes go wide, and he feels the old jealousy he’d felt every time he’d listened to some of the more happy love songs. The jealousy that he’d tamped down and stepped on and squashed because  _ why would he be jealous _ ? The jealousy that he felt when Jiyong was happy  _ without him _ .

 

“I was so jealous.” He says suddenly, and he focuses in front of him again and is surprised to find that Jiyong is squatting down in front of him; his face much closer than before. When Youngbae speaks, Jiyong reaches forward and places his hands on Youngbae’s knees; to steady himself ( _ probably _ ).

 

“What did you have to be jealous about?” he asks softly, a smile in his voice like he’s teasing.

 

“Everything.” He says, and he’s not even upset that Jiyong hasn’t acknowledged everything he said before. “I was jealous of your friends, and the stories you would tell me. I hung up on you more than once because of it.” He shakes his head, and Jiyong chuckles softly.

 

“I remember that. Every time you didn’t have time for me I wanted to lash out at you. I got less petty as time wore on, but I  _ liked _ it when you got mad.” His voice is soft and silky and Youngbae finds himself chuckling. 

 

“Of course you did.” He says, and Jiyong grins up at him.

 

“I thought you deserved it, for a while there. I thought you deserved to feel what I felt. It never occurred to me that you were feeling it in a different way from me.” He sighs and rubs a hand over his face. “I’m very selfish.” He says.

 

“I’ve never noticed.” Youngbae says delicately. He feels calmer now, as though Jiyong’s own calmness were seeping into him from the hands on his knees. He’s not really surprised, though: Jiyong is always able to get through to him.

 

Jiyong’s grin is brighter than before, and his fingers are swirling patterns over Youngbae’s knees. “You better now?” He asks, his voice a little more chipper.

 

Youngbae considers him for a moment, before standing up slowly, his hands snagging Jiyong’s on the way and pulling him up with him. “Yeah.” He says, still a little shaky. He pulls Jiyong in for a hug, and the slightly taller man hugs him back fiercely. 

 

“I like hugs.” He murmurs, and Youngbae laughs. He goes to back up, but Jiyong clings to him tighter. “No, nope. You can’t let go now. You’re stuck.” He says into Youngbae’s ear. The tone is playful, but Jiyong’s breath on his ear makes Youngbae blush.

 

“I already was.”

 

“Are you being metaphorical? This isn’t a metaphorical hug, you can’t get out of it by being cute.” He says, hopping up suddenly and wrapping his legs around Youngbae’s waist.

 

“Oof! You’re heavier than you used to be.” Youngbae whines, but Jiyong just laughs. Youngbae sighs and squeezes Jiyong one last time before gently prying his arms from around his neck. “I want you to tell me the truth now.” He says, and Jiyong carefully gets down, standing in front of Youngbae with his head lowered just a bit and his hand on the back of his neck.

 

“All of my love songs are about you, because you’re the only person I’ve ever  _ really _ loved.” He says, and then shrugs afterward as though that would lighten the blow of the words.

 

Youngbae feels his heartbeat speed up and his stomach flip over pleasantly. “Oh.” He says, his eyes going wide. He can feel his face flushing hot, and Jiyong sees it and reaches forward to touch his cheek. “I, I love you too.” He says, and a slow smile spreads across Jiyong’s face.

 

“I think I’ve always known that.” He says, his voice infuriatingly chipper considering the conversation.

 

Youngbae makes a face. “Will you make me feel like an idiot about this for the rest of our lives?”

 

“Are you asking me to make you feel like an idiot for the rest of our lives, or asking if I currently plan to do so?” He asks, a playful smile on his face. Youngbae pushes him.

 

“Don’t worry, I already know the answer.” He says with a roll of his eyes. “Now, I think I have a new song I’ve got to look over.” He gestures to the notebook on the table, and Jiyong laughs.

 

“Are you going to be able to finish it without having a breakdown?”

 

“Are you going to stay with me?” He asks.

 

Jiyong considers him for a moment, his face a mixture of emotions. “Only if you plan to stay with me in return.” He says finally, carefully.

 

“You can’t get rid of me, Jiyong. We’re soulmates. You know that.”

 

Jiyong rolls his eyes but he’s smiling as he leans forward across the table. Youngbae’s sitting again, his fingers playing with the edges of the notebook. “Ride or die, together forever, until whenever.” Jiyong says, and Youngbae feels butterflies erupt in his stomach. “You’re blushing again, but I must remind you that you started it this time.” He gets just a little closer and then runs his hand through Youngbae’s hair. “I like making you blush. I think I’ll make it a point to keep it up.”

 

His hand slips down to the back of Youngbae’s neck as he sits up off the table. Youngbae forces himself to ignore it as he refocuses on the song in front of him. He grins when he gets to the end, turning to look at Jiyong and tell him what he thinks about the sappy ending, but he’s stopped in his tracks by the look on Jiyong’s face.

 

It’s contemplative when he first turns, but then there’s a glint of mischief coupled with something that Youngbae’s only seen a few times on Jiyong’s face and had never been able to place when it was directed at him. He makes up his mind to push through his curiosity and ignore it in favor of telling Jiyong his thoughts on the song, but is cut off.

 

“If I may.” Jiyong murmurs, before pressing forward and connecting their lips in a kiss that Youngbae honestly hadn’t been expecting (and he really  _ should _ have been, he’s so  _ dumb _ sometimes). He may not have expected it, but he sorely appreciates it, and with a groan he turns to fully face his best friend and reaches up to pull him closer.

 

_ For worse or for better _

_ Just stay with me forever _

_ For worse or for better _

_ Just stay with me forever _


End file.
